In an exclusive scoop, this blog discovered that J. K. Rowling was feed up with this whole Harry Potter thing. So she hired out the writing of the last Harry Potter book to the best and brightest authors on both sides of the pond. Here is a chapter by chapter summery.
1. J. D. Salinger – In this groundbreaking chapter, the famed reclusive author pens a short chapter that is centered on Harry’s angst and emotions after he is expelled from Hogwarts for starting a fight with the captain of Ravenclaw’s quidditch team. Harry returns to London determined not to go back to his uncle’s house. So instead he goes on a romp through the seedier parts of London, and in the course of his misadventures finds out that Lord Voldemort has hatched a scheme to reanimate Seymour Glass (and, by extension, Salinger’s career).
2. Amy Tan – A moving story about Cho Chang coping with growing up in a Chinese-Wizarding family, and her attempts to fit in at Hogwarts. In her experiences she comes to a deeper understanding of her relationships with Cedric, Harry, her mother, and of course Lord Voldemort.
3. Philip Roth – As Ron ages he starts to feel the slowing effect of time on his body …, but not his libido. Between his post-middle aged sexual exploits, Ron reminisces about growing up Jewish in New Jersey and how this experience will help him stare down his demons, Lord Voldemort, and his inability to sustain an erection.
4. James A. Michener – In a move that can only be described as historic and magical in its own right, Rowling managed to convince the long dead author to pen a chapter. In it he goes back to the beginning of the Wizarding community in England, and weaves an epic story about the personal lives of the famous wizards that spans centuries; from Gryffindor himself to Harry Potter.
5. John Grisham – The Story of Abbot P. Smikerson, the great wizard-lawyer from the American South, and his defense of Cedric’s father. Who was we all know shot the two people who were accused of killing his son during the Tri-Wizard Cup competition.
6. Margaret Atwood – In this story Atwood looks at Ginny’s persona. Ginny finds out that the whole Wizarding world is built on the oppression and destruction of woman. She discovers that Hogwarts is a laboratory for the dichotomy of man/woman, good/evil, Harry/Voldemort, Wizards/muggles, Us/the Other. She is able to break from the conceptual scheme and thus defeat the true Lord Voldemort.
7. Norman Mailer – This chapter is less a story than a rant. Mailer attacks the whole feminist movement, using Hermione as his starting off point, for abandoning masculine sexual satisfaction. To be honest, neither Rowling, nor the editors have any idea what this chapter is about.
8. Tom Clancy – An exciting adventure about the English and American Sailors who are sent in an Atomic Submarine to fight Lord Voldemort.
9. Don Delillo – A confusing and non-narrative look into the inner lives of the students of Hogwarts after 9/11 … wait, I mean Lord Voldemort’s return. The lives of Harry and his friends are further complicated by the whole Modern Life thing; what with technology, magic, brooms, cars. Delillo captures the “hard to exist in” world that modern wizards have created for themselves, maybe.
10. David Sedaris – Since, he says, he already makes stuff up for his “non-fiction”, Rowling had no trouble convincing him to write a fictional story for this book. In it, are a million and one hilarious observations about every little thing in Harry Potter’s life. From Harry’s youth, being the only gay-Greek-Orthodox-southern student at Hogwarts, to his CRAZY family. You’ll laugh out loud, especially when Harry gets a job as a house elf during Christmas.
11. Harper Lee – When Rowling told her editors that she convinced Harper Lee to pen a chapter they had the same reaction as you; “Harper Lee is still alive”? She is, and she has a story about a house elf wrongly accused of attacking a first year Ravenclaw student. Rumors abound that Grisham did not start his story until he had read Lee’s. No one knows the reason for this.
12. Tom Wolfe – The longest Chapter in the book, but not by much (Wolfe’s chapter is 854 pages and Mailer’s is 851 (when Norman heard this, he asked Rowling if he could end his chapter with four pages of the F-word, Rowling refused)) In it Wolfe describes the world of Hogwarts in great detail, and goes on, and on, and on, and on about the different types of clothes Harry wears and how they are marks of status. The clothing of Ron is also discussed, as is Hermione’s, Voldermort’s, Hagrid’s and anyone else who Rowling ever mentioned in the first six books.
13. E. Anne Proulx – The last story in the book. It is about Harry becoming disturbed by the cruel and strange things that happen around him; Hermione beaten to death by soccer hooligans, Ron going up to Scotland to “heard sheep and do some fish’n” with Dean Thomas. So he goes to Vermont to get away from it all and finds a muggle who he starts sleeping with. But there are still many secrets that Harry must unravel. Like why the hell is he in Vermont?
P & J 